An open letter to my secret crush,

I'm sorry to do this here, darling but I have to or I think The Boy might put a hit out on me. You see he is, as supportive as he is, totally tired of listening to me talk about you. He hasn't said that but I sense it and I can honestly say I don't blame him in the least. Somedays I wear myself out with my thoughts of you. It is time to give him a break from all of this and put it out for you to never see on my website that you probably never read.

Oh yes, writing this here oddly makes perfect sense in my head.

The decision to write this came last night when on the phone with The Boy. I asked him why I think about you so much, even moreso now that I have been running into you more and more lately. He suggested I shit or get off the pot. He very much believes I should make the first move and ask you out. Well, I'm not ready to do that right now. I feel frozen where I am. Perhaps it is fear. Maybe it is my keen awareness that I don't have time to bring you into my life right now. I have a lot that I am juggling and emotionally I don't think I am ready to handle a new relationship. I am also very sure that right now your priorities are elsewhere as well.

As they should be.

Someday, I want for us to go out on a date. Unfortunately, as obsessed as I feel with the idea of being with you, I don't really know when that someday will be. From where I sit I see so many hurdles in our way. If a relationship were to happen it would have to take a long time to evolve.

I wonder if you think about me like I think about you.

Always.

The idea of dating in general absolutely doesn't appeal to me right now but when I think of you I think of a future. I think of a commitment to one another - for better or worse - I think we have so many of the same values and beliefs that I think we would be unstoppable together. When I think about you I think of picking out a comforter for the bedroom and frames for school pictures of the kids. I think I could want to be serious with you - settle down - have the relationship that I swore I would never have with anyone. I think of waking up and making breakfast for all of our kids together, Mrs. Doubtfire impersonations while flipping pancakes and I imagine how much fun we would have merging our lives. I think about how we would support one another at the end of a long, hard day and I think about how we would make the most simple things in every day life so much more enjoyable just by simply being in the presence of eachother. I think about all the nights that we could cuddle up on the couch together and just talk and talk all night long because talking to eachother seems to be something we are really good at.

And enjoy.

I want a meeting of the heart and head. I want someone that gets me like you seem to get me. You ask me the hard questions that nobody else has the courage to ask me. When my heart is heavy you know how to relate to me - you say the right words and give me the right advice. But you never bullshit me. You don't tell me what I want to hear. And sometimes that is hard to take initially but in the end I am so grateful because sometimes in the end, after you gave me advice that I didn't want, I realize that I didn't want it but I did need it. And that you were right. And you always have the calm, collected nature when I feel like I'm out of control. And when your day has maxed you out with stress I want to hear about it. I like that you tell me how fucking pissed off you are at this that or the other. I want to know. I want you to know that you can tell me these things. I want to support you. I want to give to you what you give to me. When we talk I am either on the edge of my seat, captivated by the words you speak or I am sitting back, resting, laughing, enjoying the moment feeling comfortable - at home - in my conversation with you.

You smell like chocolate chip cookies.

I feel like there is this thin, invisible string that connects me to you. Regardless of where you are and what you are doing, I never feel like you are truly far from me. It is like I have this connection to you, it is something inside of me that I have truly never felt before and for the life of me I can't understand what it is that makes me feel it now...with you.

The reality is that the longer I wait to be ready, the more I risk losing you. What if you meet someone else? That thought crosses my mind a lot but in my heart of hearts I believe that if this...us...if we are meant to be it will happen when the time is right for both of us. But everytime I say good-bye to you I hope that there will be another time for us to talk...that this was not the last time.

There you go again
I let you get away
At least I’ve got more time
To think of what I might say

If you ever found this I wonder if you would even recognize that I am talking about you. I wonder if you know how I really feel about you. I wonder if when we talk if it is obvious that I am clinging to your words and I wonder if when I see you if you can see my eyes melting when you enter the room. I wonder if, when you think about me, you ever think about future and comforters and Mrs. Doubfire breakfasts for a house full of kids.

Someday I'm going to ask you.

Kathy