Taking Chances, Part II

On May 17th I posted something titled "Taking Chances" here on Kazoofus. If you haven't read it you should. The rest of THIS post may not make much sense unless you do.

Read here.

OK, great. Now that you read that you should also read this. I just posted it last night so if you are behind in your Kazoofus reading you'll want to be current on everything before you continue with this post.

OK. All caught up? Here goes...

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I have a confession to make. The post titled Taking Chances was a carefully planned post. Everything in that post is absolutely 100% true. I wrote it because the weekend before I was a big clucking chicken.

With HIM.

"Taking Chances" was written not because I FEARED I would forget how to take chances, it was because I knew I did. There was a really big window of opportunity and I let it pass.

When CursingMama commented on the post with "Somehow you've got to figure out not to miss the good chances." I wanted to cry.

I wrote the following statement in that post I knew precisely what my idea was.

"So knowing that my tolerance for dating sites is in the toilet I sit here and think what are my other options? I have some ideas but then I circle back to free time."

My idea was HIM. My idea was I had seen HIM recently and in that time with HIM I wanted to tell HIM things I had never told HIM before. I wanted to toss out a line to see if he would nibble but me? I'm a big clucking chicken so I didn't do it.

I didn't take the chance and I was a bit mad at myself for it.

So I wrote that post to very indirectly let him know that my door was open and I did it because I know he is a Kazoofus reader. Granted I didn't know how often he read Kazoofus but I suspected (hoped and prayed) that he read often enough that the post on Taking Chances wouldn't be missed.

Oh yes. You read that right. I broke a "rule" I stated in that post from yesterday:

"So that's the hard part. I don't want to be telling you folks things that I haven't told him. I don't want to be putting things here that maybe weren't clear to him. I don't want to use this forum as a place to communicate with him. I don't want this place to be the place where he thinks he will learn all there is to know about me.

He has no idea that I wrote Taking Chances with him in mind.

I know. I'm such a con sometimes. I make rules and break them in the same breath. It's how I roll. What can I say?

But I have to tell you this:

I don't know if he read Taking Chances but I do know that just DAYS after seeing him, DAYS after I posted Taking Chances he went out on a limb and told me things, said the things that I had wanted to say.

He took the chances and I am so glad that he did because I don't know if or how or when I would have ever had the guts to do it myself.

And after thinking about all of this tonight something has occurred to me. Taking chances is hard and he has proven himself to be much better at it than I am. But I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna get out from behind this keyboard and take some honest to goodness chances with this man and I have a feeling it is going to be a helluva fun ride.

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Next on my radar is to come up with a nickname for HIM here on Kazoofus because calling him HIM isn't working for me. Since he's a reader, maybe he has some suggestions?

Heck...maybe some of YOU have some suggestions?

A must read.

Earlier today I got to Chapter Two of Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth and I fell in LOVE with the book.

The third page of Chapter Two just perfectly summarized something that has been in my head lately. It put to words something I couldn't figure out how to express or explain.

Too freakin cool!!

I am going to spend the rest of the evening with this book and if you have a chance you should spend some time with it too.

It is REALLY good!

I should say something.

One of the things I am typically quite private about here on Kazoofus is my dating life. Keeping it private is actually way easier than you might think since there typically isn't a dating life to speak of. Regardless, it is rare that I post of about any of it here.

I like my philosophy of keeping certain things in my life off of the internets, specifically matters of the heart. I also fancy protecting the privacy of innocent others so it isn't as though I would ever do a big reveal for all the world to read.

I'd probably be sticking to that philosophy right now except for the fact that one month ago I posted something about a date and two weeks ago I got a phone call from my mother about it.

I don't know what surprises me more: the fact that it took her TWO weeks to call and ask or the fact that she called and asked at all. She's not a prying kind of mother so it is a bit out of her character to ask for any information that isn't given freely.

But she called so I updated her on the story behind the post and ever since I have felt like I owe all ya'all a little update as well.

This here part of this post is the hard part though. Because in the words of the great Lyle Lovett (Here I Am):

"I realize there are things you say and do, you can never take back."

And that is precisely what makes this hard. What I put here I cannot take back.

This person I have had some dates with? I am cuh-ra-zee about this person. I think without saying it exactly like that and without coming across as an over-the-top psycho, I think I have made how I feel pretty clear to this person. But because we have really only opened up about our feelings for one another in recent weeks (months?), and because our face time together is limited, it is hard to have all the conversations you want to have and say all the things you mean to say in short bursts of time.

Especially when you consider that there really is SO MUCH to say.

So that's the hard part. I don't want to be telling you folks things that I haven't told him. I don't want to be putting things here that maybe weren't clear to him. I don't want to use this forum as a place to communicate with him. I don't want this place to be the place where he thinks he will learn all there is to know about me.

Because for as great as THIS PLACE is. For as much as I love THIS FORUM. Because no matter how much Kazoofus really is ABOUT ME, there is more to me than this. And there are some things I would rather experience live and in person with him.

Not here.
Not in email.
Not at a distance.

So what I feel like I should tell you is this: I like him. I really, really like him.

And I can't wait to see him again.

Dream weaver

This morning my son woke up and shared with me that last night he had a dream. I immediately thought of MLK and dreams of equal rights for all.

Turns out the boy child dreamed that I learned how to make Rice Krispie bars.

Dream big, young grasshopper.

When thought trains jump the track.

Not all that long ago my friend Stacey posted a little something about her thought monkeys. I laughed when I read it originally because I am totally cut from the Thought Monkey cloth. My mind sometimes wanders in ways I can't even begin to explain or comprehend. I was reminded by Stacey's post on Friday morning when I had my own thought monkey moment. The difference is mine came after an expanded thought process and the ending thought was this:

"My boobs deserve to have a boyfriend."

I can't even begin to explain how I arrived at this particular thought but there it is. The girls deserve companionship.

I didn't even know they cared.

Walking the night away.

Last night I arrived in Wisconsin at about 10pm. Just in time to see the Luminary Ceremony at the Hudson Relay for Life event. It was a nice ceremony and I caught myself reflecting on my own life, people in my life and thanking God that I have never been personally touched by cancer in myself or anyone close to me. I had my "scare" a few years ago and that is as close to cancer as I ever want to be.

After the ceremony Keri and I found each other. She had committed to walking 15 hours (yes HOURS) to raise money for cancer research and I had committed to giving her a few hours of my time and support to help keep her motivated and entertained during part of her 15 hour journey. I haven't seen Keri in person for quite awhile so it was fun to have some time to get caught up with someone who has become a really good friend through an unconventional means: blogging.

I have always had a deep appreciation for the intangible things this blog has brought me over the years: a place to share and reflect, a place to get input from others and tell the stories of my days. This blog is and has been a forum for me to share my views on life and the world but along with all of that this blog has brought me something absolutely priceless:

Real.
Live.
Friends.

Like Keri.

My life has been unexpectedly enrichened by these people, by their stories, their rants, their reflections and their friendships.

I'm a little tired this morning as getting to bed at 2am is not normal for me. But when I think of how tired I might be I think this is nothing. Keri walked for FIFTEEN HOURS to raise money for The American Cancer Society. I am so proud of her and so inspired by her commitment to this important cause.

More than that I am grateful that there are people that are dedicated to finding a cure for a devastating disease.

Thank you, Keri for all that you do!

I went to Ikea and all I got was two pillows, a bad attitude and a headache.

I think I have figured out what it is about Ikea that makes me intensely crabby. That store, as much as I love their wares, is a harsh smack-in-the-face reminder of many of my personal weaknesses.

I would decorate my house with so many Ikea goodies but the problem is that the concept of measure twice and cut once just never works out for me. I measure, measure, measure, measure and measure some more and I still end up getting the measurements wrong. It absolutely escapes me how this is possible but I have seen it first hand so you have to just trust me on this.

The process of assembling things also escapes me. I don't know why it is but I just cannot put together anything that requires a drill, hammer, screwdriver or the like. I could wire my entire house for anything technical but I can't get a screw to screw for the life of me.

Many of the pictures on the walls of my house are there because that is where there were nails. Anything that I have hung myself has likely fallen off the wall at least once.

Along with my total ineptitude with the residential tools comes the last remaining weakness that trips to Ikea reveal time and time again:

I hate asking for help.

Ikea has wonderful things that require all kinds of assistance. From "OMG how am I going to get this in (and out) of my vehicle?" to "Now I can't assemble it, who can I call?"

I hate asking for help so much that I actually refuse to do it.

And that makes me crabby because I KNOW there are lots and lots of people that would GLADLY help me out with these sorts of things.

But that damn Leo pride just gets in the way.

So yesterdays trip to Ikea netted me two really cool pillows for the living room and a giant bad attitude because I was reminded that no matter how independent and determined I might be, there are things that even I cannot (and will not) pull off on my own.

**anyone that reads this and thinks it is a plea for help at Ikea, it is not. i know who and where all my potential helpers are thankyouverymuch. i wrote this because hopefully stating it in this format will motivate me to take a damn class at home depot and learn to actually DO some of this.**

It is summer solstice after all.

This morning I told my son, niece and nephew to go get dressed. They returned from the upstairs in their swimming suits. Is this a subtle hint of where they want to spend the day?

*shakes sand out of swim suits*

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

...life is damn short. Live it while you got it.

Inspired by BusyMom

BusyMom made a list of things she has never done. I'm sure I could write more but I decided to spit out a list of things with as little time and/or thought as possible.

Here it goes:

1. I have never left the country (USA).
2. I have never been on a cruise.
3. I have never read a Harry Potter book or the Twilight series. (Stole this from BusyMom).
4. I have never been to a professional basketball game. (Stolen from BusyMom too).
   
5. I have never golfed. (Not counting mini golf).
6. I have never been in love the way I wanted/expected/hoped I would fall in love.
7. I have never baked cookies or cake from scratch.
8. I have never looked under the hood of my current vehicle. (Four years!)
9. I have never used a drill without getting pissed. This is of course the fault of the drill because it never works right for me.
10. As an adult I have never driven a boat or a motor/dirt bike or shot a gun. I did all three as a kid.

A KathyHowe Limerick

There once was was a blogging young miss
Who had a wonderful weekend of bliss
Great company, great eats
And other fun treats
"Joy" is an impossible feeling to dismiss.

How did he get a gun past security!?!?!

My nephew has been here an entire THREE MINUTES and he already brought a filled up water gun into the house and opened fire.

*mops up everything*

Three little words.

I have a pretty silly (silly as in stupid) little habit that I am trying to break. Whenever I send an email with some sort of inquiry I close the message with the statement "Let me know."

Isn't the very act of me ASKING a question implying that there is something I want the person to let me know?

I think it is and so my use of those three little words is really redundant isn't it?

It is.

So that is the silly (silly as in stupid) little habit I am trying to break.

Are you trying to break any habits these days?

The doctor is right.

"...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!"

-Dr. Seuss

Believe it or not.

I just shouted "Do not hammer your eyeballs!!!!!" to my son.

THAT is not something I ever imagined saying in my lifetime.

The scary thing is he would be the person to do it.

And this little piggy cried weeee, weeee, weeee all the way home.

We said good-bye CIAO to Sergio tonight. He leaves for Colombia next week and yes, I really did cry all the way home.

We will miss you, Sergio!

Love, hugs and safe travels!!!!!

Sheena was a man...

Night shift.

My son just told me I need a boyfriend because it is their job to patrol the halls at night.

What the hell is going on around here when I am sleeping that requires a night guard!?!?!?

Honestly risky.

About a week ago I read something written by Steve Errey and today it popped into my head so I decided I should read it again.

Go read the post on Honesty and come back here to finish reading this. No really. Go now.

I'll wait.

Is that not one of the most HONEST things you have read in a long time? I had several "AHA!" moments when reading it the first time and reading it again today gave me an AHA or two more.

I'm kind of a believer in the idea of practicing what I preach and I think overall I do a really good job of it. Not that I am preachy to others very often (if ever). I guess what I mean is that I live my life based on things (values) that I truly believe in. I'm WYSIWYG in so many ways and more often than not, I know how to get the hell out of my own damn way to get what I want.

Steve's article talks about his 38th birthday and the fact that he feels like he is in the same place he was in one year ago. I have a birthday coming up later this year and while I have had many accomplishments in the past year there are areas of myself (my life) that I really want to try to get a better handle on.

Forrrrrrrrrrrrrr example...

I am a rather confident person the majority of the time. It isn't often that I deal with negative self-talk in fact I don't think what I do in my head really qualifies as that at all. I'm also a rather optimistic person so I don't think being pessimistic is my problem either.

What IS my problem you ask?

I can talk myself out of anything.

I think because I am passionate about avoiding chaos and I'm a huge fan of mitigating risk I can over-analyze my way out of anything that could be risky. Which doesn't mean I have myself living a sheltered life in any way. I surely do not. But there are some areas of my life where I can swirl thoughts and concepts and feelings around in my head, evaluate the risk and without giving something a fair chance...an HONEST chance...I can talk myself RIGHT out of an opportunity that could be absolutely MAGICAL.

I'm sure everyone avoids some sort of risk in some area of their life from time to time. Be it in the department of love, career or travel...the categories are endless but the results are the same:

Lost opportunities.

Or worse yet:

Lost opportunities for magic.

I need to stop doing that. Steve is right. It really is time for a change. I need to get out of my head a little more often and from time to time I need to give the experience of doing something a chance. Logic is great for so many things but sometimes I feel like I am a prisoner of that overly analytical side of my brain.

It is OK to try and fail.

Really.

It is.

It tastes a little bittersweet.

I cannot believe it is the end of another school year already. This year has absolutely FLOWN by! Monday morning it really sunk in that we are in the last week of the school year and this week, like always, I find myself weepy at the oddest moments when I look back at the year that has gone by.

As usual I am sad to see another successful year ending for my kids and excited for what the upcoming year will bring each of them.

It really is the definition of bittersweet.

This year is a milestone year for us as my oldest is graduating from the 6th grade. I think back to the various letters I have written to her over the years. I remember when 6th grade seemed impossibly far away. I look at the pictures and I cannot believe how much she has grown and changed.

Time goes unbelievably fast and no matter how hard I try to slow the proverbial sands of time, these amazing moments (big and small) just keep flying by. I try to freeze them in my mind, capture them all here or in photos but there are just so many it is hard to catch them all.

Boo has reminded me repeatedly that he expects to cry this week when he says good-bye to some of his teachers. Hearing that makes me want to cry. I love, love, LOVE how much my kids bond with their teachers each and every year. I think it is a remarkable accomplishment for a teacher to go beyond achieving the expected intellectual lessons with their classroom to create friendships with students and parents that extend beyond the school year or the classroom.

We really are exceptionally blessed to have this amazing school in our community.

On Thursday this week we say good-bye to Sergio, the brother of the student teacher that lived with us last year (Julian). While Sergio didn't live with us we were so lucky to have him living near our hometown. We had several opportunities to spend time with him this year and I am so sad to see him go.

It is like saying good-bye to family.

So here we are, at the end of another school year. So many moments are about to be crammed into one very short and fast-paced week.

I'll be working hard to savor how sweet it really is.