It started out innocent enough. My "friend" Billy posted something to his blog about some of his doormats being stolen from his condo. He even included photographs of the rugs that have disappeared one-by-one. I was hoping to ease his obvious pain over the loss of his prized possessions by pointing out that I had a rug identical to one of the rugs he posted about.
The monkey rug.
Now you need to take a moment to go read Billy's post. It is quite well written because in addition to being a fine asstorney attorney he is also a fine writer. I suppose writing skills and a little imagination can be helpful when DREAMING UP FAKE EVIDENCE.
But I digress.
Read his post and notice that he states what appears to be facts along with photos to "substantiate" his claims. If you were skilled in reading attorney-speak like I am you would realize those aren't facts at all. But go ahead and read what Billy wrote with your untrained eye. Experience with attorneys is not required.
No really.
Go read Billy's post now.
I'll wait. You come back here when you are done.
So as you can see I was trying to share a comment that was both on topic with his post but also demonstrated that Billy and I have something in common: the shared attraction to a monkey doormat.
Maybe "attraction" isn't the right word. Suddenly this all seems a bit perverse. Let's try that again.
So as you can see I was trying to share a comment that was both on topic with his post but also served as a reminder that Billy and I have many shared interests that bubble to the surface at the most unusual of times. In this case, we shared an interest in the same style of monkey rug.
Some history:
Billy and I have known one another for MANY years and we regularly discover things that we have in common with one another. For example, Billy and I? We both ADORE his wife, Stacey. Now I realize we adore her IN SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ways but we both adore Stacey nonetheless.
Also, Billy and I have a shared interest in not pissing Stacey off by talking about the time she puked in a BP parking lot. Billy was pumping gas, I was trapped in the backseat of The Bug and Stacey suddenly had a terrible reaction to some new meds she was on. The rest is history. Billy and I GO OUT OF OUR WAY to not upset Stacey with reminders of that likely humiliating moment in her life.
Billy and I also have come to realize that we are both BIG FANS of my organizing skills. Billy once jetted me out to his hometown for an extended weekend so that I could attempt to make heads and/or tails of his home office. That is when Billy realized what I had known all along: I am exceptionally organized.
So as you can see, Billy and I have come to know a great deal about one another over the years and have discovered many shared interests. What I just learned today is that he is apparently always in attorney mode because my INNOCENT COMMENT was attacked with this response:
So, it's obvious to me that you came to Cleveland and decided to take my rug without even knocking on the door and visiting. That's just like you to do something like that.
BILL -- From my iPhone
You can imagine my heartbreak after reading that message. Accusing ME of flying to CLEVELAND to steal a doormat!?!? Puh.Leaze. Everybody knows
Rug USA has all the awesome rugs.
Anyhoo. I couldn't let these accusations go without a response so I decided to share evidence of my rug ownership. I sent Billy this reply:
Oh no. I am CERTAIN I had my rug first! I have photographic EVIDENCE! Taken September 17, 2007, dude...
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kazoofus/1367954997/in/set-72157594320910757
I was certain this was a closed case but Billy is a persistent
fucker attorney and clearly has YEARS more experience than I do at this legal schmegal crap. He sent me this:
Kathy --
This is getting quite serious. I have a photo of MY monkey rug from April 5 , 2007. Damn nice Persian rug, too.

MY rug was stolen after 10:30 p.m. on September 9, 2007, and before 6:55 a.m. on September 10, 2007. The reason I know this is that it happened after the Cleveland Browns - Pittsburgh Steelers football game after I took the dogs out at night and before I took them out in the morning.
Where were you late on the night of September 9, 2007? Can you account for your whereabouts during the early morning hours of September 10, 2007?
So, I don't doubt that you have TRIED to cover your tracks by posting a photo on your flickr page. That PROVES you had it after MY rug was stolen. And the theft could be blamed on some drunken football fan trying to gain access to the deck door, which is just a few feet from our door. You are very clever; but if you compare MY rug to the rug you claim is yours, they are identical -- the SAME rug!!!!!!!!! (I don't ordinarily use exclamation points like that, but I felt the use of that many very effective under the attendant circumstances.)
If you check with your beloved Minneapolis-based Target, you will discover that the rug was discontinued before you acquired what you claim to be your rug. Also, there are shoes in the picture of MY rug. You can't even compose the elements of your photo without copying.
Got any other excuses that you call "evidence?"
Bill
P.S. -- By the way, who is "jgcf?" She probably stole the MY second monkey rug, which was a damaged returned item that I was able to get from the local Target. (They wouldn't sell it to me until I started weeping about my first rug being stolen.)
She commented on YOUR flickr site: "My daughter loves monkeys, and demands to know where you got that. She NEEDS it."
Obviously, she got your help in taking my second monkey rug. You told her where you got yours (Did she pay you for the information?). She came to Cleveland and took my rug because of you.
Now, I know why you didn't come to visit us when you were so warmly and lovingly invited: GUILT!
First of all, Billy's Persian rug is from Ikea. Persian my ass.
Second, what Billy doesn't realize is that my photo of MY monkey rug has a DATE STAMP ON IT. His photo does not.
As you read through his seemingly well-crafted response you noticed he questioned my whereabouts on the evening of September 9th, 2007.
Everybody knows that the evening of September 9th I was busy unpacking from a girls camping weekend. Do you know how hard it is to get jello shot stains OUT OF khaki shorts? I was glued to the bottle of Spray n Wash which is not FAA approved for flights. NOR IS MY WASHER DRYER.
Also, I couldn't have POSSIBLY been flying to Cleveland that evening because I was trying to get 200 photos of me attempting to drink a beer AND hula hoop off my camera and onto my computer. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE LAPTOP IN THIS PHOTO, BILLY:

That shit isn't MOBILE. It's a dogdamn BOAT ANCHOR. I can't fly with that unless I buy an extra ticket so it can have a seat of its own. The FAA classified it as a flight risk due to SIZE ALONE.
So there you have it, kids. Lots of talk and no evidence. Quite possibly a sign of an attorney gone mad. I've heard that it happens but I have never witnessed it firsthand and let me tell you. That shit ain't pretty.
Evidence. Pffft.